SAHM-ness

It was at the playground of course. We rarely go to this one, so The Boy was excited and ran off to play, and since the play area is fenced in I just sat on a bench. The Girl was hungry. I nursed.

The woman sitting beside me was of a similar age to me, wearing yoga pants and a baseball cap but somehow managing to look glamourous and put together. She had straight white teeth and large sunglasses and was carrying a child's snack case and a child's drawing.

We started chatting, as moms do at the park. How old is your son? Your baby? Do you live nearby? Etc. Her son goes to preschool, she says. Heading to kindergarten in the fall. She'd like another baby but she's close to 40 and (unspoken) it may not happen.

Are you at home with him? I ask.

And then she said it: "yes. My husband wants me home, and I don't mind."

I cringed.

I know it's possible she was being polite. It's mom-speak for "I don't want to insult your decision to work and if I pretend it isn't my choice you won't think I'm judging". But I cringed anyway.

Not because she's at home. Because it isn't, in her portrayal of it, her choice.

Once, a long time ago, I was married. To a man I am no longer with. We were young when we wed and our discussions about kids were limited to "do you want them?" and "yeah, someday." It wasn't until years into our marriage that he told me he expected I'd stay home with our kids "at least until the youngest is five". HIS mother had stayed home until he was 12 (which was frankly part of his problem ...) I stared at him, open-mouthed. I had never -- ever -- considered being a full-time SAHM. The idea at 27 was abhorrent.

The idea is less abhorrent now that I have children. But it still seems unlikely to be something I would choose long term. There are SO many reasons for this. Because I like my job. Because I have access to excellent daycare. Because we need my income. Because i get a year's leave and neither of my children had to go to daycare as infants but instead as toddlers, more ready to explore their world. Because I can work part time hours and have a short commute so my time with my kids is still a fair amount. Because I need something for me. Because the benefits package I get and my pension plan i get benefit my family. Because my workplace is flexible enough that i can work from home some days and be late and leave early and accommodate family stuff. Because I think it's good for kids to see their parents doing what they want in their lives. Because a working mom role model is good for my daughter AND my son.

Yesterday we took a day off daycare and I was home with two kids. This was something I was kind of dreading with a second: could I handle two kids on my own, without putting one of them in front of a screen? Well ... Yes. We had a nice day together. There was no screen time and there were meals and art and books and naps.

We enjoyed it. Mostly because it was my *choice*.

I feel very strongly that had I been talked into being a SAHM I would have been miserable. I have nothing against being a SAHM. I know it works for some people. I don't think it would work for me but it makes many women very happy. And I'm glad for them.

But I still think that no matter what, it has to be her choice.