Torn

Every single day it happens: mommy play with me!

And simultaneously: fuss!

Between an infant and a four year old, the four year old waits. Because he can. He doesn't, always, but he can. And lately he's been doing a lot of waiting. And a lot of doing without.

And his behavior shows it.

The guilt I feel is powerful -- particularly the guilt I feel when I lose my patience with him, knowing he's acting out only because he is not getting enough of me.

I'm the younger of two siblings, and I was determined that my younger child wouldn't get so much less of me than her brother did at the same age. This is partly why he's still in daycare -- I can't give her 24/7 mommy alone time, but I can give her a few hours a day.

But the fact of the matter is this: no matter what I do, it'll never be *fair*. Her life is going to be different because she came second no matter what. I can't give her what I gave him: four years of dedicated me. I simply can't. To try and replicate it, to compare, it's not possible.

And I'm just going to drive myself crazy if I try.

So the second child within me that feels ever slighted by my own parents' attention to my sister will have to be silenced. By trying to make it all fair, all I do is call to attention the fact that it isn't. And as an adult I know there's no way it can be.

She is second, she will ever have to share me.

Until, of course, she's 14 and her brother leaves for college. Right at that age when she'd gratefully shove me over to her brother if I would just go away mom!!!