It's all good, all around

One of the things I was looking forward to on maternity leave was spending more time with my son. He still has his daycare spot -- we have to keep it, or he won't have one next year when I go back to work, and more importantly, his sister won't have a spot either (there's sibling preference with the daycare system blah blah blah doesn't matter). And until now he's been going every single day, because I just haven't felt up to being a mama to both kids all day.

I try not to beat myself up over this, despite the fact that I promised myself, early in pregnancy, that nothing was going to change for four months. Why four? Because my employer pays me for four months of the leave, so nothing financially had to change -- I could keep my four-year-old's full time daycare spot for at least that long, because I still had the money for it. And I figured four months was long enough to get my two-child-mama feet underneath me, get some sleep caught up, get a schedule kinda going, and be a full time mama to two.

This morning went well, we were enjoying ourselves and I felt on top of the housework. I don't, despite both kids being up in the night, feel too tired. So when 10:30 rolled around and my son showed no interest in heading to daycare, I took a deep breath, and posited this to him: we can go now. Or we can go in half an hour or so so we make it in time for lunch. Or (deeeeeep breath), we don't have to go today.

It took some courage, I admit. I know there are people out there who would be scornful -- why have two if you can't handle it? -- but ... well, they can bite me. I'm sure I could do it if I had to, but why not take a break when I have it offered and then be a better mama when he is around (so goes the theory, anyway!). I wondered if I'd be a screaming harpy by 4:00, knowing it was another two hours until The Man came home.

But I know that this is something I want to do this year, so I offered.

And was promptly shut down. By a four year old, channelling his inner teen, in a God, you are so dumb, mother, eye rolling sarcasm,

"NO! Mama, I want to go! I want to have some fun!"

I laughed. I'd feel bad about it, but in truth my heart feels lighter knowing that he wants to go. I project a lot. I hated preschool, what I remember. And I wonder some days if he does too. But when he chooses on his own to go, I feel good. It's a good place, it's a good centre, and if he likes going ... then I'm going to sit back and enjoy it.