2011

It was ten years ago, or so. I was in the UK with my former spouse, and we were at an age where many of our friends were having children or trying to have children, and we happened upon a Mothering store. My mother had waxed rhapsodic about the quality of their clothes and we thought some outfits might be a great present for these many friends of ours who were having children.

We bought several, and brought them home, and gave them out as babies began to appear. But one, one outfit I kept. I loved it so much, and I wanted to keep it for our own babies. He agreed.

A year or so later, the dreams I had of having those children were shattered.

In packing up my things to move away, I came upon that little outfit. And I cried. And I packed it up in tissue, away and hidden, a dream that I held on to but I couldn't even bring myself to look at.

When my son was born, I found it again. And I looked at it, and I dressed him in it, and I remembered that sad woman and her dreams and I gazed at my son and remembered that crazy things can happen.

The outfit went the rounds of a few people, and came back to me when my daughter was born. It's much worn and not as nice. The little pants have been separated from the shirt, which is very stained, and the little matching jacket is nowhere to be found. She wore it once, or maybe twice, I don't remember.

This afternoon I cleaned out her drawers -- she has so many new clothes from Christmas, and so much she's grown out of. The little pants were there, on the discard pile. I picked them up. Maybe I should keep them. I thought. As I reminder to never give up hope, and to keep going when things are tough.

And then I looked at my daughter, trying hard to pull the things out of the box as fast as I could put them in. I looked at my son, looking through one of his new books nearby. I don't need a reminder. I'm living the life I always wanted, I have everything I need, and I can cast off the reminders of my past life.

So for 2011, this is what I will work towards: getting rid of the last bits of detritus from the past. And staying present in today, so that tomorrow will be fantastic.