Wherin I mock myself

I've been a tad low on sleep recently --- Three nocturnal beings (cat, infant, four year old) are conspiring together to ensure the bags under my eyes continue to grow and I slowly become batshit crazy. Witness: Sunday, 3:30 am: baby awakens. Baby writhes, cries, starts shrieking requiring eventual move to living room rocking chair. 5am baby consents to sleep. Mother now wide awake slowly relaxes and starts sleeping. 5:30 am cat begins meowing. What? The sun is up, why aren't you? Cat meows intermittently until 6:30 when four year old gets up for the day. Sunday morning 10am, mother spends 30 minutes weeping on living room floor for no reason anyone including self can fathom.

Yeah.

Anyway it should come as no surprise that said awake baby cut her first tooth yesterday -- 4.5 months must be some kind of record!!!! (well. For us anyway ...) last night was also the first night in five months or so that my son fell asleep with his dad instead of needing his mommy. Of course this is a GOOD thing but you can imagine that my reaction was OF COURSE "noooooo!!!!' my BABIES!!!! They are growing up TOO FAST!!! SOB!!! WAIL!!!"

(Husband ducks down on couch scared of crazy wife)

I know every mother feels this way but isn't it a little crazy? We had children to RAISE them. And it's clear from every person on the planet that children GROW UP. This should not be a surprise nor a time for mourning. This is a celebration! A "we're doing it right all according to plan children developing normally!" celebration! Hooray! Wouldn't it be worse if my four year old was fully dependent on me for years to come, worse if my daughter didn't get teeth or hit other milestones??

Yes. Of course.

But the wide world is out there, and the wide world is both amazing and horrible. And when they are tiny and dependent you can shield them from the facts: that people aren't always nice. That people get hurt. That you don't always get what you want, and sometimes that's more serious than no ice cream after dinner.

And that in those cases all you can do is sit back and love them because you can't fix it. When my daughter is in pain and my son needs comfort I can fix that. Right now I can fix it. Kiss owies, soothe hurts, cuddle bad fears away. They are my babies and I want so much to protect them this way forever. And every step they take towards growing up is ever closer to my not being able to do that.

And sometimes I'm ok with that. I know that if I do my job properly as a parent eventually my kids will leave and go into the wide world and navigate all of it, good and bad. And I will be proud that my kids are functioning adults, and self-reliance (and teeth!) are an important part of that.

But.

Oh. But I will miss them so much when they are gone.