mother desperation

One of the things I haven't figured out as a solo parent is bedtime. Both the kids are ready for sleep at 7, and they both want / need my attention, and so nights when The Man works late / is away we just tend to pile into the king sized bed and sleep together. Me too. If I'm alone all day with the kids I'm exhausted by then!

We've been working really hard and getting The Boy to stay in his own bed, though, so the other night when The Man was working late I just proceeded with the "own bed" bedtime. Stories in his room. Tucking in with kisses. Nursing in the other room. And it worked pretty well, and I was being quite self-congratulatory with it all, having a sleeping baby in the big bed and an almost sleeping four year old in his own bed in another room.

Once the baby was settled I crept quietly around the house and then decided I should check the preschooler. As I suspected, he was asleep. Or almost. As I leaned in to kiss him, he woke up with a start. "Mommy! I NEED you!" he whimpered. His eyelids fluttered. I knew he was close to sleep, so I leaned in to him, knowing that in five more minutes he'd be asleep. And I could get up. He rolled back over, but not before placing my hand on his back where he could feel me.

So there I was. 8pm. In the dark of my son's room, lying straddling the very uncomfortable wooden bedrail, one hand pressed to my son's back, the other holding myself up awkwardly, no where to lean my head. One foot on the floor, one on the bed. I know, I know, I need to get some boundaries or something but it was all of five minutes! I mean, I can indulge my kid for five minutes, right? It's not that bad.

It was at that moment, after an evening of meal making, feeding, dressing, cajoling, story reading and diaper changing that I realized: I'm a mom. Because no one other than a mother would be so loving as to endure something so uncomfortable, even for five minutes, just to get a kid to sleep. And no one other than a mother would be so damn desperate.