Quandary

I grew up in the house where anger does not live. Which is to say -- outright expressions of anger and calling people on inappropriate behaviour just does not exist. (Unless you're the mom and you're talking to a little kid. Not as adults.) Oh, it's ok to be snarky and mean, that's just fine, but telling someone calmly and rationally that that comment / action on their part was hurtful is simply never done.

We are a tad dysfunctional.

I also grew up in a house with a sister who I don't remember liking, or her liking me, for a single moment. I remember existing near her, I remember cooperating with her, but we have never been friends. We are in our mid-late thirties now, and we are still not friends. It has evolved to the point that when I have good news, or I'm in a crisis, or just want to talk to someone, it never even occurs to me to call her. She's not even on my radar. I have always wished to have a better relationship with my sister, but the fact is that I want a better relationship with a different woman, a woman she will never be (and just to be clear -- I'm not expecting she'll change. She is who she is, and there's nothing wrong with the person she is. It's just that my personality and her personality are not meant to be friends), and trying to be friends with a woman I simply don't see eye to eye with is a difficult struggle. It's hard to make my peace with it some days, but in the end I've learned to make friends with women and consider them my sisters instead of counting on my own sister.

Two days ago, I was on the phone with my parents and told them to good news. They said the usual things, but then my mother started in on my sister -- how I need to call her and tell her, and I'd better (almost threateningly) tell her before this weekend (Thanksgiving, for any of you who aren't Canadian, otherwise known as what used to be a pleasant family time, now fraught with tension).

And I just passed it by.

But then I emailed her a picture of my wee belly, and instead of emailing me back a few nice words, all she did was tell me I needed to tell my sister. Again.

Internet ... I'm hurt. I'm really thrilled about this pregnancy, and it wasn't totally easy to achieve, so I'm really excited about this. And selfishly, perhaps, I want this thing to be about me. I don't mind that she reiterated that I should tell me to tell my sister, I'm just hurt that she couldn't say one. single. nice. thing about the pregnancy. A "we're so thrilled!" or "You must be so happy!" or even a short "congratulations again!" or something.

I've been making a lot of personal changes over the last year, and there's part of me that just wants to end this bullsh*t that my family lives in of not calling each other on behaviour and comments. I think in the end if I could get people on board, it might make us a nicer, closer family. And so I want to write back and tell her that it might be overly sensitive, it might be selfish, but I'm really, really hurt that she didn't take a second to say something nice.

But I'm terrified. I've never done this with my mother. Or my sister, or father, for that matter. With any of them. And I'm not sure I want to deal with the fall out.

I'm not sure what I think the fall out will be. I mean, she's my mother, I don't think she's going to disown me or never speak to me again. But she might be hurt, and she might tell me so, and then I'll feel awful and never want to say anything ever again. (See: dysfunctional family, fear of saying the wrong thing, terrible in an argument, and related.)

So! Please tell me: What would YOU do??