Daycare, Day Five

After a Friday that I am glad will never be repeated, and a weekend of clinginess including a trip in the car that gave us brief hysterics, I was definitely not looking forward to today's daycare event. We got ready like usual and went out the door as usual and arrived The Boy's daycare as usual and she was in a fine mood. We went to her daycare. She was fine. Smiling! Happy! Eager to play! We sat around. We chatted. We tried nursing but she was not keen. She wanted to have some fun. So I stood up to go.

"eh? EH? EHHHH!!!! EHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

She was not amused.

I got back into my car and drove it to where I could park. And cried. It feels so wrong, leaving her. I don't think that leaving children of her age is a great idea, and I miss her dreadfully. I want to be closer to her with every fibre of my being, but I don't see a way to do that. I can't work without some kind of care, and I want and need to work. So.

I went in to work. I worked. It was kind of nice to be thinking again. I ate lunch, had a walk, chatted with co-workers. Sat down at 2pm for some tea. Realized it was nice -- really nice -- to sit for a bit with some tea, to not be interrupted.

I left early, at 3:30. I'd been in touch with the daycare, they said I could come at the end of the day if I wanted, that she was "fine", but I didn't know just how she was, so I left early.

And I got there, and she was sitting at snack, and she looked up and saw me, and grinned. She grinned. She smiled and waved back at the caregiver who was with her. Flirted a little. She went with me over to the couch to nurse, but pointed outside. The other kids were all just heading out, and she wanted to go too, dammit! So we nursed, and went outside, and she wanted down, and wanted to play, and didn't want to go home.

I still hate this decision. I still hate leaving her, and I still think 12 months is too early. But it's a hell of a lot easier to do when she is obviously liking where she is, who she's with, and having fun.

Incidentally -- one of the reasons I love her daycare (even if I don't like leaving her there) is that they call to update me. They called post nap, and said she'd only slept for a short while, but that she'd been "resting" in the caregivers' arms for an hour or so. Yeah -- they cuddled her, for an hour. If she can't be with me, at least she's with people who really, honestly, seem to care for her.