Frustration

Today's piece in the NYT on parenting yelling. I .... I don't know what to say. I wonder if anyone who writes these things has children, I really do. I know that spanking is a bad thing, and I don't hit my child. I honestly try my best not to yell, and most of the time I succeed. But ... I'm sorry, anyone who lives full time with a toddler or preschooler who isn't pushed to the Freaking Limit at times is someone who must be lobotomized. And I am kind of tired for the litany of parenting articles about what we should or shouldn't do, because it just seems like this one is taking just one more thing from parenting that we Simply Cannot Do or Our Children Will Never Succeed and Will Be Stunted Forever.

I admit that in a perfect world I would never yell at my child, but in an ideal world he would never crayon on the wall after I've told him not too for the thousandth time, or throw his legos when he's mad, or pull off my glasses when he's having a temper tantrum and throw them to the floor. In an ideal world parenting would be rosy and lovely and we'd all be polite to each other and do what each other says and my three year old wouldn't say things like "No I won't, you can't make me, I'm never going to!" about anything and everything making my head explode.

And most of the time I don't yell, even when provoked. But I have, and I have to tell you: I'm not sorry. You know why? Because sometimes people lose their temper. SHIT HAPPENS. And it's just as important that I try not to yell and mostly succeed as it is that I occasionally yell, and lose my temper, and my kid sees that even if that happens, I get back in control, we talk it out, and I still love him. Yes, I'm sorry, I think that this is a type of education. If I never show him that it's possible for me to lose control and regain it, how will he ever realize that when his emotions feel out of control -- a common thing for a preschooler, after all -- that he too can regain control and feel better?

No, of course it's not ideal. But it's REAL LIFE. And raising our kids in an environment where no one ever gets angry and yells and loses control and then regains it sure isn't going to help prepare them for when a co-worker snaps at them or says something nasty, or they get really really angry or ... for when they have their own kids, they are tired and dinner isn't working and they had a bad day at work and they are on deadline and they yell ... they need to know that it's normal. It sucks, it's not a great thing, but people need SOME way to let off steam. It's real life.

Otherwise, the explosions are going to be far, far worse.

So suck it, parenting gurus: I'm trying my best. I love my child, I provide for him, I listen to him, support his emotional, physical, and cognitive development. I read to him nightly, feed him nutritious lunches, have him in one of the best daycare situations I can. I tell him I love him every day, often several times a day. Most of the time I take the time to explain and reason and be patient and treat my son as well as I can, respectfully and thoughtfully and like how I want him to treat me. I parent by example. I don't hit my kid or belittle him or make fun of him or neglect him. And dammit, I think I'm a good mom.

But I reserve the right to yell, when things are just Too Much. I am not perfect, and you can't expect me to be. So stop writing articles like this. We can't spank, time outs tell the kids they aren't loved, yelling is demeaning or ... something. Real life means that sometimes kids don't listen to reason, or listen at all, and if you're going to give me a way to deal with a kid who puts his hands over his ears and chants "na na na I can't hear you" over my reasoned pleas to put on his clothes for daycare, then great. But until then: SHUT. UP.