Another milestone, crossed off the list

One of the things that I don't write about much here is that we have been happy co-sleeping parents for our son's entire life. He's never had a crib, or a bassinet, or even his own side car sleeper. He has slept in our comfy king-size bed since he came home from hospital.

This wasn't a plan on our part; we had a sweet bassinet all ready for him when he came home. He just refused to sleep there, under any circumstances. No matter what we did, no matter what method we tried, he never slept there. And we gave up, I admit. We liked co-sleeping, I liked having him there with me, and once he was nine months old we could help him sleep in the bed and leave him there until we were ready to go to sleep, and it worked out rather well.

However, I also have to admit here that, despite the fact that we live in a two bedroom townhome (the smallest one ever!), he hasn't even had a bedroom. The second bedroom had in it our old queen size bed and some stuff we were storing; his clothes were in our bedroom and his toys in the living room. So sleeping on his own wasn't even an option.

The boy is turning three tomorrow, and my mother guilt has taken over. I decided that, despite the fact that *I* still like co-sleeping, he really did need to have at least the option of his own room. And we took the day off yesterday, and we finally cleared out that second bedroom, and moved around some furniture, and set up a perfect little boy bedroom. We talked about it with him, told him what would happen, and made it sound Very! Exciting! 

And lo, he was excited. He was Very! Excited! But I was still confident in my mother instinct that it would be Very! Exciting! until it was time for bed, and then there would be great tears and consternation and we would all end up sleeping in the same place last night. 

We got home last night after the daycare birthday party (he got to make cake, and we went to the party and sat on teeny tiny chairs and sang songs and it was all very much fun) and we talked up the New! Room! and he was all excited, and he loved it. Loved the new room. And we played in there all evening, and when it came time for bed he happily went to sleep in his brand new bed in his brand new room. 

I slept in there with him, for the first night, and as I predicted he did wake up in the middle of the night, confused and calling for me. I felt at least partially vindicated -- he still does like co-sleeping! I was right!

And then later on, he woke up, kicked me, and said "I want to sleep alone! Go away!"

I don't think that this is the end. I do think that we will have some back and forth and some sleeping in mom and dad's bed and some sleeping on his own. But it's clear that he is ready, that he likes the idea of his own room, his own space and his own place.

Me? I'm not ready. I like lying in bed and being able to open my eyes and see his little sleeping form. I like hearing him breathe beside me, I like being able to reach out and touch him and know where he is while I'm half asleep. I love getting in to bed at night and having his little sleeping body acknowledge mine by rolling over and tucking his head into my body. I love cuddling together in the morning before "wake up time".

I do not want to trek back and forth between his bedroom and ours while he takes his time deciding if he needs me or not.

But I guess it's time that I let go. Parenting is all about letting go, from the moment they come into the world it's all about slowly, slowly letting go of the little person you created. And each one hurts me just a little bit, but makes him more and more confident, and more and more into the person I know I will be vastly proud of for the rest of my life. Parenting is the only relationship where success means, at the end, separation. And separate we will, if only into separate beds for now.

And I will let it go, with a little bit of sadness and maybe a few tears, as my little boy grows up. But that doesn't mean I will like it, one little bit.