Sleep

I haven't written about sleep for a long time. I wrote a lot about it in the fall, it felt to me like every single post was about sleep, or how tired I was, because it was all I could ever think about. Ever. When you don't get sleep, like food, it is ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT. I don't put that in capitals to be funny, even; lack of sleep makes you crazy, lack of good sleep makes you crazy, and there's just no two ways about it. 

Since then -- I hate to even say it, lest I jinx myself -- it's been getting better. Cautiously better. I get more sleep, and often it's even better quality sleep, and while there are some days I still feel a little dopey, now most days I don't feel like I'm walking around in a haze, I don't have the stress from feeling like I have to focus to stay awake during the day. Do you know how awful that is? It's like having that awful jetlag you get when even sitting up you can barely manage to stay awake, that when you're not concentrating your eyes just start to slip. And I would be at work, or driving, or taking care of my child and feel like I was fighting to stay awake, and it was a terrifying feeling. What if I fall asleep? I never did, of course ... but it sure was awful.

I read a fair number of mom blogs -- fewer now that I'm back at work, I think while on mat leave I was up to like 150, so many that I couldn't keep track of who each of them were (was this the mom from Texas with two kids, a baby and a toddler? Or was this the mom in England with the newborn? I can't even tell.) and one thing often shows up: the tired. All moms are tired. Some talk about it a lot, some a lot less, but they are often tired. What's more is that those few moms who have the same problems I did -- kids who don't sleep through the night for EONS -- most of them capitulated well before the end of the first year. 

See, last fall the tiredness was even worse because I kept feeling like a Bad Mother. A Bad Mother because I couldn't get him to sleep at night (which is ridiculous because I tried everything I did have control over, and nothing worked so ... uh?), a Bad Mother because I was too tired to play, a Bad Mother because I was resenting the hell out of my kid and just wanted him to sleep goddammit, a Bad Mother because hello? Sleep deprivation is part of parenting, and everyone has had bad sleep from time to time, mothers have been dealing with this for centuries and no one has ever DIED from lack of sleep (or rather, no one has died from lack of optimal sleep, while still sleeping a minimal amount of time. I suppose TOTAL lack of sleep probably would kill you.) Why couldn't I cope when so many other mothers could?

And the answer seems to be: no one else can either. When the sleep deprivation stretches past the second year, no one can cope. Most moms I read can only last a few months, maybe a year on that kind of sleep. Lasting 2.5 years is beyond. And consequently I felt comforted, like I wasn't a failure as a mother ... not that I was better than them for coping longer, just that I was no longer a failure for coping as long as I did and no further.

This is the main reason we don't have another child, although -- I confess to you all -- that we do in fact want to have one. But up until this point I just had nothing left over, no capacity to cope with another child, no reserves of strength or resilience or energy left to carry a child, let alone parent a newborn. It's only now, after a few months of (better, but not entirely adequate) sleep that I can even contemplate the idea without abject panic and horror.

I feel sad about that, but at the same time accepting. I don't want to blame my child, but I sure hope he never asks why he doesn't have a sibling close in age to him, or ... perhaps, since I am almost 35 ... why he has no sibling at all. I don't want to blame him, but it's true all the same. 

But I do still feel panic. Panic that the second one will be just as bad, that I will go through another 2.5 years of bad sleep and the havoc that that wreaked upon my life, personally and professionally. That it will be even worse having to cope with a newborn / baby / toddler who won't sleep AND a second older child. Who may also -- still -- not sleep. 

It's pointless to worry about, for so many reasons. It might be different. The next one might never happen, and if he / she does, he might sleep just fine. He might not sleep fine, but maybe will respond to the sleep "training" things I do, unlike the last kid. And finally ... well, even if it is just as bad, the fact is that I got through it this time, and I likely will again. It will suck, it will be so unbelievably hard and nasty, but we managed once before and we will again.

But I tell you: having a kid who doesn't sleep seems to me to be the worst kind of problem you can have with a (healthy) kid (since Lord knows I'm sure there are worse problems when your kid isn't healthy). It's torturous and horrible and I never, ever want to go through it again. I hope and pray that the next one is different.

But at least I do know one thing so far about myself: I can do it. It sucks, it's horrible, and I feel like a complete mess, and bad things happen in my head, but I can do it, and come through the other side.

There's a great deal of comfort in that.