Good mother

A few days ago on my weekly playdate the mom and I were having a discussion about things we do poorly as mothers. I'm frustrated because getting rid of diapers has been an exercise in frustration; she's feeling bad about herself because her little boy, no longer in daycare, doesn't tolerate other children and sharing as well as he once did. 

Neither of these things has anything to do with us as mothers. Kids just go through these stages, and they are ready for new developmental leaps when they are ready for them, not before. 

And we talked about how as mothers it is completely crazy for us to take personal responsibility for things that we have little to no control over, to feel as though we are parenting poorly because our not-quite three year old can't always remember to use the potty or doesn't want to share his favourite truck. 

And it is even more crazy that we don't take any responsibility for our children's good qualities. The fact that we both have children who speak and articulate well, play well together, use polite voices, clean up toys when asked, hold hands at street crossings, don't watch six hours of television a day, treat strangers politely, welcome new people to our homes, eat reasonable meals, and don't throw (many) tantrums ... well, that has nothing to do with us. They're just good kids! And it's true that some of that, like the sharing and toileting, has nothing to do with us. Some kids eat and some don't, and there's very little you can do about it until they decide to eat. Same as sleeping -- some do, some don't, but just as with eating by the time they are 18 they don't need you to feed them or dress them or lie with them while they fall asleep. All kids get there in time. 

But isn't that crazy? I'm personally responsible for my child NOT learning something, but I take a completely hands off approach for all the things he has learned easily. It's similar to taking on a negative personal view because I'm not that great with numbers, despite the fact that I earn a living using words. Yeah, words, so what, everyone can write. (ha ha ha one of my most reviled statements.) I mean, sure, I do that too on occasion, but at least I know it's crazy.

What is it about mothers or just human nature that we focus entirely on the negative and skip the positive? I know I'm not alone in this; I hear it all the time at daycare. Mothers, with apologetic tones saying "yeah, but he's not a great sleeper" or "yeah but he throws such bad tantrums at home" or .... anything else, as long as it starts with "yeah, but ..." Like we can't be proud of our own or our children's accomplishments. And maybe, sure, we don't want to rub people's noses in our greatness, but I do think that we need to get rid of this tendency to really own our faults. Seriously -- we either need to own it all, both the positive and negative, or have a hands-off approach to it all. But this owning the bad and getting rid of the good? is just plain crazy.