Social Modelling

So yesterday we had a wee girl at our home for playdate. She's The Boy's bestest friend at daycare, and I genuinely like both her and her mother, although I don't know either of them very well. I've noticed, though, that the little girl is a little bossy with my son, which I'm not so keen on. I know that this is as much his problem as hers -- he needs to stand up for himself just as much as she needs to figure out not to boss people around -- but even so it's one thing I'm not pleased about.

The last time we had a playdate, there were a couple of quarrels and some tears, so I was unsure as to how this would go over. And apart from the fear of the cat (which I hadn't expected at all, and which did throw me for a loop a little. I shouldn't be surprised; not everyone likes cats, and I should try and remember that.) it did go well. 

But at one point, the two kids were playing with a little racer car that you pull back to make go. The Boy took a turn, and the car shot across the floor. "My turn!" cried the little girl, fairly enough, because it was indeed her turn. She went over and got the car, and shot it directly underneath the dining room table. And then she turned, and said to my child, "Name, go and get it!"

Now, to be fair, he went over, tried, and said, "I can't reach it, you try!" and she did, gamely. In the end, The Boy moved a chair and fetched the car, and then the girl reached out, grabbed it again, and said, "My turn!"

The whole interaction was fine -- I mean, maybe The Boy should have taken the car back, but if he genuinely doesn't care, I don't think he needs to make an issue of turns -- but it was her mother's reaction that kind of bothered me, when she laughed and said "Make him go and get it, and then it's your turn again! Good girl!" 

Before you gasp in horror, her tone was obvious to me as being sarcastic. So I smiled, because I knew that she wasn't complimenting her child. But here's the kicker: children at 2.5 don't understand sarcasm. So between her words and the fact that neither she nor I intervened and said "No, it's The Boy's turn because he hasn't had a chance to make the car go", what both kids took away from this interaction was that it was ok -- nay, it was good -- that The Girl made The Boy fetch her toy and then took it away from him. 

I don't know. I'm not faulting the other mom here -- neither of us reacted perfectly, and I am far from the perfect parent. It was as much my social modelling as hers that made the mess -- if it can even be described as such. I use a fair amount of sarcasm myself at probably inappropriate times. It's just that it made me realize how much we model and what kids take away and how even the tiny things show kids how to behave and treat each other. It's a tough job being a parent, knowing that kids are watching every little thing we do and learning from it. It's hard not being able to let your guard down for a moment, and it's really just impossible to do -- you can't be perfect the whole time. In the end, all I can hope for is that I do the right thing most of the time. And try to give my kid a break when he doesn't always do the right thing either.