On being a mother

Way back before I had children I was at the home of a friend of The Man's for a social gathering of some kind. The mother of the home was a stay at home mom. And though I didn't ask why (because -- well, what business is it of mine? And why would I need an explanation?) she sniffed "Because I didn't have children to give them to someone else to raise!"

Now let's skip aside the whole idea that she might have been feeling defensive or ... whatever her reasons were for saying such a thing. The thing I wanted to address is that this is the dumbest reason for staying home with your kid that I think can possibly be used.

Why? Because up until this generation, children were never raised in isolation. My grandmother, raising my father and his two brothers, always had an au pair. Or two. And a maidenly aunt, or grandmother, or another female relative to help. And they weren't visitors, either: those maidenly aunts would tell you what for if you needed it. My mother's mother wasn't so lucky to be able to afford help or have family nearby, but growing up in the 1950s, with all the other moms home, you know very well that if you were at someone else's home, and acting up, you got told off by the resident mom. Neighbourhoods with freely roaming children always had some adult around to corrall the insanity. There were teachers at school, policemen on the street, even a random stranger, and they weren't shy about showing disapproval. People often lived close to extended family -- grandmothers to babysit, aunts to check in. Back unto our earliest history, parents have never been alone in raising children. There's a saying even -- it takes a village to raise a child. And it does.

In fact one might argue that being your child's sole carer is the most unnatural thing about modern parenting. It's never happened before. I live in a neighbourhood where I know only a few neighbours; my parents and inlaws aren't close, and neither are either of our sisters. Were I a stay at home mom, I would be raising him entirely on my own. And so instead of sending my child off to be raised by strangers, I have instead chosen for him a village. I have chosen for him a group of alternative carers -- parents of his friends, friends of mine, and yes, his daycare teachers -- that are helping me to raise him. I'm his mother -- my influence is going to be strongest no matter what. But he needs these alternative carers. He's learning how to live in a world as his very own person, to be responsible for himself and to cope with other people. I think it's an awesome way to raise a child.

I would like to just note that while I do think it's awesome, it's not by any means the only awesome way to raise a child. I think staying home with kids is great, if you can do it. My only, only reason for this post is that I don't believe I'm "giving my kid to someone else to raise" -- I'm his mom, I'm raising him (with the help of his dad!). But I also don't think that allowing someone else, someone carefully chosen by me, to help raise him, is a bad thing. In fact, I think it's good for him.

That's all.