For days before I had this crazy urge to cancel. I had no reason, I just didn't want to go. I have no idea where it came from. But I put it out of my mind -- let's give this a chance, I urged myself. And I went. And the entire time, I was thinking "this isn't right." There was nothing wrong. She was perfectly nice and caring and kind. But I just wanted to get up and leave.
And then there's the few times I've sat down and thought about the birth and, try as I might to visualize it, I can't see how she fits in. Maybe it's because I don't know her well. Maybe I'm just shy and she and I don't click / haven't clicked yet. But when I picture the birth, there's me, there's the baby, there's The Man, there's the midwife, and there's ... no one else.
I can't decide if this is the acupuncture or the person, but there's just something there that doesn't feel right. It's a gut instinct, deep deep down, and I know better at this point in my life to ignore that.
I'm not that worried about it -- it's the doula, not the midwife, I can do birth without her. (If it was the midwife, I'd be pretty concerned about changing practitioners at this stage. But this is the same midwife as last time, I have complete confidence in her ability to midwife. And anyway she and I aren't supposed to be best buds. She's the medical practitioner: I like her, and that's an added bonus, but we're not going to be sharing birth stories over wine later on.) I'm slightly worried that I'll suddenly have a long labour and The Man will have to support me through it, exhausting both of us, but if the worst happens we can always call my sister to come and relieve him. Not an ideal birth companion, for many reasons, but she'd love doing it and she'd probably do a good job because of that. And who knows, it might make her happy and thus improve our relationship.
And let's face it: neither of us is going to be keen on having labour over 24 hours, and I think we can handle / recover from that. We're not talking four days here ... I would opt for a c-section before that.
(Another difference in this pregnancy? I was pretty adamant about avoiding a c-section last time. I know that cutting open your uterus can cause scarring that can affect future pregnancies, and your fertility in worst case scenarios, and I was very much against this. This time, knowing that this is the last time? Meh. If it happens, it happens. No biggie. I mean, sure, I want to avoid major abdominal surgery, of course I do. I really WANT a nice, natural, quick birth. (And while I'm on a wishlist, painfree, with music and chanting, with me feeling merely happy and focussed and The Man sitting back and enjoying meeting his child while I smile and birth him / her. Yeah. Denial.) I'm just MUCH more focussed on the healthy baby / healthy mom thing, rather than worrying about the future. Let's just make sure he / she and I are ok; the rest doesn't matter.)
Anyway. I have decided to opt out of the acupuncture portion of the doula services, to see if it's that aspect which is bugging me. Maybe I just don't want to be punctured right now. And if that's not it? Well. Guess I'll call my sister and put her on alert. You never know. Maybe the universe has bigger plans.
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