Stress

For as much as I can remember yesterday, le bebe was quiet. Very quiet. Some stretching, as I recall, but no kicking, punching, jabs, head butts, or other uncomfortable movements that I'm getting used to. I didn't think much of it, as this baby sometimes has quiet days. But then I woke up at 4am this morning, and there was nothing. Not a peep. Not a quiet roll over in sleep. Nothing for a half an hour or more, and this is a baby that regularly plays Dance Dance Revolution in the wee hours of the morning.

I admit it: I freaked out. I've been stressed about this pregnancy from Day One, and I am stressed about delivering early with the recent symptoms. I've been actually not too bad (for me!) about waiting another day, not taking fears too seriously, not freaking out, and generally staying sane, but ... this morning I just ... well, I just wanted some kind of reassurance other than a voice on the phone saying "it's probably fine!" I'm tired of trying to reassure myself about something that I really have no reassurance for. So I called the midwife and said "what can we do?!"

She must have heard the desperation in my voice, so she sent me off to the hospital for a non-stress test. Baby still wasn't moving much all morning, so I was pleased to go, but of course as soon as I sat back the baby kicked it up about seventeen notches and was not only dancing her little heart out, but had a heart rate as high as I've ever seen on a small fetus (The Boy was, at this late stage, always around 140 / 150; today I saw rates in the high 180s). The perinatologist declared the child "perfectly healthy!" which was of course the perfect thing to hear.

But. You knew there was a but coming, right? I feel a bit dumb. I know that The Man thinks it was kind of silly of me; I also know I have a midwife who has probably never panicked in her life (an excellent quality in a midwife, I think) so she won't really understand. I'm tired. I'm tired not only of being pregnant, but of thinking about being pregnant and wondering what's going on and hoping that things are ok even when they change and feel different and the baby is completely still for hours. I'm tired of just getting through when I'm worried, and I'm tired of feeling like everyone else thinks I'm being hysterical (just to be clear: neither The Man nor the midwife has said anything remotely like this to me; it's mostly just my perception of their reaction.) I just want to hold this baby in my arms and see his / her little face and watch them breathe and know that that part, at least, is done.

I know, I'm neurotic. But still.

So I feel better about the baby. I feel better about the risk of early delivery too, although given that I was lying down for the test and never get contractions lying down anyway, only when vertical, I still think it's a possibility. I just don't feel like every time I get up my water will break.

But this keeping the faith thing? Is just plain hard.