Yikes

It occurred to me today, sitting at work, that in a few months time, I'll be a mother to two. And perhaps, even more terrifying, a stay at home mother of two.

You might well ask why this is only just occurring to me, six months in. I can't tell you. There's something about pregnancy -- you know, you spend time trying to get pregnant, and thinking of conception ... and then once you are pregnant, you concentrate on the pregnancy itself. Nine months is a very long way away, especially when you take into account the fact that, especially in the first few weeks, you don't know if things will stick. So it's hard to think that far in advance, and you live more in "now and the next few weeks" than "nine months from now".

But now I've reached that six month mark, and my mind can -- if only barely -- stretch forward a few months to see myself, home alone, with a four year old and a newborn babe and I can't really describe it as anything other than just plain scary.

Oh, don't get me wrong -- we'll likely keep The Boy in his daycare for at least a few days a week. He'll be four, preparing for kindergarten, so the social interaction is good. Not to mention the fact that he really does seem to like it, and has lots of friends he likes to play with. But we'll likely cut down on the days he's there, if only for financial reasons ... I'll be on EI for eight months of the year, which is nice to have, but still is a significant financial hit. So it'll likely be necessary, and desirable, to cut down his days, which means ... I'll be home. Alone. With two children.

[pausing to hyperventilate into a paper bag]

Yes, yes, I know. Why have another child if you are panicking over this? You shouldn't have children if you aren't sure you can handle it! Terrible mother! Shocking!

Fact is that this hasn't much to do with reality. I do know that I will manage two children on my own just fine -- some days that will be swimming pools and library visits, creative crafts, a clean kitchen, and home-made nutritious meals. Some days that will involve watching Toy Story over and over again, and toast and juice and a house that looks like a bomb hit it. Just like any other mom.

But also like any other mom, I sit here and look into the unknown, and it's daunting. I admit it: I'm scared. I know it'll be ok. I know I'll handle it. I know I have a support network to help me get through it if I need it.

But for right now, I look into the future, just for a moment, and think ... wow. This is going to be a hell of a trip.